Confessions of An Insecure Girl: Part 1

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Fall 2001

When I got into 6th grade, I thought that boys would finally start to notice me. Well, besides the one boy who has liked me since 3rd grade. He stalks me but I don’t like him! Ugh! I wish he would just go away! Anyway, all of the boys I do like are in love with my friends. I’m always one of the best friends, never the girlfriend. But why? I thought I was pretty too, but I guess not. I talked to my mom and grandma about it. They said that I’m a very cute girl and I shouldn’t worry about what the boys think. They told me that I don’t need a boyfriend at this age anyway and boys will eventually come around.  I want to believe them but I don’t feel very pretty. Maybe they’re just saying that because they’re family and want me to feel better. Why don’t the boys like me?

Spring 2002

In media class today a boy told me that his friend liked me and wanted to ask me out. He said that he thought I was cute. He’s in 7th grade. I think he’s cute too. I sent him a note asking if what his friend said was true and if he wanted to go out with me. He circled yes! It felt like my heart was beating out of my chest! I have a boyfriend now! He’s not my first boyfriend but I feel like this is special and he really likes me. I told my mom and grandma that I was going out with someone and they asked me where were we going and laughed. Ha ha they think they’re so funny.

Fall/Winter 2002

Me and my boyfriend broke up. We didn’t talk to each other enough. I was sad and we almost got back together but now he’s going out with someone else. I don’t like her. It was clear that she schemed to make sure that we didn’t get back together so that she could have him. She gives me mean looks all of the time. No one sees it but I do. It seems like she throws their relationship in my face. We went on a skiing trip today at school and they were together the whole time. On the way back from the trip, I saw them making out. We’ve kissed but never like that before. I cried the whole way back.

 Spring 2003

One of my friends (she can be really annoying sometimes) asked this boy if he thought I needed a boob job. He said yea because I was too small. She laughed. I was so embarrassed! Why would she even ask him that? Of course he said yes. 😦 She asked another boy (who is sort of my boyfriend) the same question and he said no. I think he only said that because he likes me. I bet he secretly wishes I had bigger boobs too. I wish I had big boobs, a prettier face, and a bigger butt…then I would be perfect. My dad says that boys are too immature at this age and they don’t see how beautiful I am inside and out yet but they will one day. He says boys will be coming from left and right and I won’t know how to get rid of them. I hope he’s right.

Fall 2003

Sometimes before class the teachers let us watch music videos. Today Beyonce “Crazy In Love” came on. All of the boys were talking about how fine she is and of course they liked all of the video girls too. Man…I wish I looked like them. I want to be a ” 10 ” like they are. They get so much attention because that’s what all of the boys want. There are girls at my school who get attention like that too. Some of them are pretty but some of them are just OK. At least that’s what I think but the guys still like them. Probably because they have “womanly” bodies. The boys that I like always like me as a friend. I don’t think they think I’m pretty enough and I don’t have a nice enough body. If only I was thick then maybe I’d be more attractive. I’m too skinny.

Summer 2004

It’s summer and I’ve been hanging out with my friends a lot because I won’t be seeing them at my high school. 😦 More boys started liking me this year which is good but sometimes I still don’t feel as pretty as other girls. My best friend is still liked more than me and every time we go somewhere boys talk to her while I stand in the background. It seems like I don’t even exist. I don’t want to feel jealous because she’s my best friend but I do. I can’t help it. I want all of the boys to like me too. My mom says that I might intimidate boys because I walk around with my arms folded and I seem stand offish. People do think I’m mad a lot but I’m not it’s just my face. But still, that shouldn’t matter. If boys thought I was super pretty, that wouldn’t matter. I can’t wait until high school starts. I think things will be a lot better.

High school, here I come!

 

 

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